Defying Gravity
by FlashForward21
Summary: Anything can happen in this strange town. Chapter 9 - Revolution, Part 1: "Insurrection is the most sacred of the rights and the most indispensible of duties." American Revolutionary War AU.
1. Relationships

Dipper and Mabel were wandering aimlessly around the forest. The sun felt nice on their faces, the breeze cooled them down, and it was just the right temperature. In other words it was the perfect day.

The reason they were out was Stan had accidentally released a stink bomb inside the Mystery Shack, and it needed to air out.

Dipper had no plans for monster hunting. He was pretty sad because that creepy jerk Robbie was going out with Wendy and she spent less time around the Mystery Shack. He stared at the ground.

Mabel tried to cheer him up by rapping.

"We're walking a forest, and that rhymes with Chuck Norris, and it also rhymes with, uh, blorest, and it also rhymes with, floorest."

"Eminem would be proud," Dipper said sacrasticly.

"C'mon, Dipper, these are the good times," Mabel told her twin.

"Its not the good times, okay? I'm way better than Robbie! But just because he can play guitar, and he's the same age as her, Wendy would go out with him and not me!" Dipper yelled at sister. Mabel nearly started crying, Dipper never yelled at her like that.

Dipper sighed. "Look, I'm sorry for yelling. I'm just angry, and let's not talk about this, alright?" Mabel nodded.

"Whatever you say, Dip-OMYGOSH, A UNICORN!" Mabel screamed and ran straight to it. She hugged it around its smooth neck. "You're so SPARKLY!"

This got Dipper's attention. The book with six fingers on the cover never mentioned unicorns. He walked over suspiciously.

"Dipper, isn't he AWESOME!" Mabel hugged the unicorn's neck even tighter. Poor guy, Dipper thought. He knew Mabel had freakish strength, and he was afraid the creature might choke to death.

"Would you like to hop on back on my back and ride around the forest?" the unicorn asked. Dipper thought the voice seemed oddly familiar.

"Wow, a talking, sparkly unicorn. Of course you scallywag!" Mabel was nearly on the back of the unicorn. Dipper quickly grabbed her and pushed her away from the unicorn.

"Dipper, what are you doing?" Mabel yelled in surprise.

"I know that voice!" Dipper picked up a large stick and swung it at the creature's head.

"NNNOOO!" Mabel yelled, but is was too late. The stick connected with its head. Mabel expected a bloody end, but the skin, wait-fabric? ripped and out popped Jeff the gnome. The rest of the fabric fell revealing the entire unicorn was made up of gnomes.

"Jeff?!" Mabel yelled at the short gnome who had nearly made her marry one thousand gnomes against her will.

"Oh, hey guys. How are you?"

"Go away Jeff!" Dipper told the gnome angrily.

"We just want Mabel to be out queen for all eternity, how is that so bad?"

"Because my sister is not marrying some short bearded FREAK!"

Jeff and the other gnomes snarled and started walking toward Dipper. "We are a powerful race, Dipper," Jeff told the defiant boy, "and Mabel will marry us NO MATTER-"

Dipper kicked Jeff in the face. Because the gnome was so small he flew like a rocket and landed a footbal field away. The rest of the gnomes looked at Dipper and ran away on all fours.

The twins walked away, and Mabel had a worried expression on her face.

"Wow Dipper, I've never seen you so angry, except for that moment two minutes ago."

"One of my friends is already in a horrible relationship. I don't want another."

"Thanks, Dippingsauce."

Dipper realized that while Wendy may be out of his grasp, Mabel would always be there for him. And that was fine with him


	2. The Return

**This was inspired by the upcoming episode "Little Dipper." It sounds awesome, and I can't wait to see it.**

"Dipper, how tall am I?" Mabel stood in front of the "measuring wall" and Dipper was standing next to her. He marked her height by writing a line on the wall. She moved out of the way, and Dipper got her height with a tape measure.

"You're 5'2''," Dipper told his twin. She got all giddy and started jumping up and down in excitement.

"That's two inches taller than last time!" Mabel fist-bumped Dipper. "Hey, let me measure you," Mabel said. Dipper got in to position. He was slightly worried that Mabel was taller than him, and that he would lose his "Alpha Twin" position. Mabel had acted older and more mature now, but still had a goofy side.

"And you are...5 feet exact." Dipper's heart sank. He sighed and rested his head against the wall. "Oh c'mon, Dipper," Mabel said. She grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway to the kitchen. "Grunkle Stan said he was making bacon. And you love bacon!" When he didn't move, she pulled him harder and dragged him away.

_There goes my alpha status,_ Dipper thought. Losing the alpha status meant Mabel was in control. And as evidenced by his misadventures with his clones, Dipper loved being in control.

He pulled his arm away. "Mabel, since when are you so bossy?" Dipper angrily asked.

"I'm not bossy, I just care about you."

"Well I wished you cared a little less." Dipper started walking away.

"What do mean?"

"I'm supposed to be in charge, not you! I'm the alpha twin!" Dipper yelled.

"Alpha twin? What do you mean?"

"That I'm bigger, badder, and the protector!" Dipper turned his back on Mabel. He almost felt sad, but his anger controlled his emotions.

"But-but-"

They were interrupted by a loud crash came from the kitchen as pots and pans fell from several cabinets. Mabel ran toward the stairs. "Dipper, Stan might be in trouble." They arrived at the scene and there jaws dropped in horror.

Stan was floating near the cabinets and had a greenish blue aura around him. To their suprise, 'Lil Gideon stood below him. He was holding another amulet and had a devious smirk on his face. He saw the twins out of the corner of his eye.

"Dipper Pines...I'm glad you're here. This will be way to easy." Suddenly the aura surrounded Dipper, and he floated to the ceiling. Gideon started to choke him, and Dipper tried to get free to no avail.

"Gideon, what are you doing?!" Mabel yelled at the short boy. He gave a sweet smile which seemed out of place considering the fact he was choking two people.

"Once you're family is out of the way, we'll be together forever!" He laughed in joy. Mabel tried to grab the amulet, but the aura lifted her up.

"Sorry, marshmella, but that would ruin my plan." Mabel managed to turn her head and saw Dipper was nearly going limp. She sadly turned to Gideon.

"Gideon, I'll go out with you if you stop killing my family," Mabel offered. Gideon scratched his chin.

"Okay, sweet peach, I'll stop choking them. But they'll stay in that aura until we get back to my house." Gideon let go of Mabel and she dropped to the ground. He opened the wooden door and held it for Mabel. "After you, my lady."

Mabel grudingly stepped outside. Gideon closed the door and looked for Mabel, hoping to rub some "Gideon charm" on her. "Oh my, Mabel, you look even pretti-" Mabel interrupted him by punching him the gut. He rubbed it in pain.

"OW! What was that for? And you caught me off mid-sentence! Wow, so that's how Jeff-" Mabel punched him the nose, and he fell to the ground in shock. "I think you broke my nose. And would you stop that!We're not the _Sopranos _series finale!"

Mabel grabbed Gideon by the collar and hoisted him in the air. "Listen, Gideon. I don't like you! What don't you get?"

Gideon looked unfazed. "That's just Dipper talking. Deep down you love me so much!"

Dipper watched through the window the most brutal ass-whooping he had ever seen. Mabel tackled Gideon and started punching him the face. Gideon couldn't reach his amulet so he was virtually defenseless. He tried to slap Mabel, but he had arms were too short.

"AND YOU SOUND LIKE FLAPJACK!" Mabel screamed as she punched him in the eye.

"No, I...don't...please...we're in a...relationship!" Gideon barely managed to say.

"I don't like you, Gideon!" Mabel exclaimed. She grabbed Gideon's amulet and smashed it over her knee. Gideon scrambled away into the forest.

"I'll get you for this...and I don't sound like Flapjack!"

Mabel walked back inside. Dipper groaned in pain on the floor while Stan was unconscious. Mabel helped her brother up.

"Thanks Mabel," Dipper said. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Sorry I was such a jerk."

Mabel shrugged. "Water under the bridge." She held out her arms. "Awkward sibling hug?"

Dipper smiled in return. "Awkward sibling hug."

They hugged each other. "Pat pat."


	3. Forbidden Love

**Woo-hoo! Two chapters in two days! How about some pinecest with a twist ending?**

Dipper slammed the attic door shut. His heart was beating so fast he thought Mabel could hear it from inside the room. He was sweating profusely, and he wiped his hands on his vest. _This is so, so wrong_, he thought to himself.

Dipper and Mabel were pretty close back home, but this summer was making them even closer. They went monster-hunting, fought fantastic creatures, and discovered a conspiracy involving the presidency of a lunatic, _together_. Heck, they even shared a room.

He thought back to the day of the party. While his main interest was Wendy, he thought Mabel looked beautiful in her new clothes. While he fought with his clones over Wendy, he knew that they would eventually fight over Mabel as well.

He talked with Tyrone about the subject the roof.

"I know its wrong, Tyrone, it's just that, I feel different when I'm near her," Dipper told his clone.

Tyrone nodded. "Yeah, I know. It may be wrong, but I think you should talk to her about it."

They both smiled and clinked their drinks. They gulped their sodas, not realizing it was Tyrone's last moments on earth.

Over the next few weeks Dipper's love grew more and more, and his heart broke at the same rate. It sucked that the girl of his dreams was his twin sister.

A few days later, Pacifica had put them Mabel over how silly she was. Dipper hated it when Mabel was so sad, and deperately tried to make her feel better. He tried to approach on that horrible subject of love, but he was too nervous to say anything. Turns out it only took a crazy presidnent to make her realize it was ok to be yourself.

Dipper thought about that. It was ok to be yourself. With a new look of determiination on his face, he opened the door and went back inside the attic. Mabel was upside down, reading a book about unicorns. When she noticed him, she put her book down. "What's wrong, Dipper?"

Dipper shifted nervously before walking over to her. "Just don't freak out, okay?" Dipper leaned over and kissed Mabel. To his surprise she didn't pull away. After a few glorious seconds they stopped. Feeling incredibly guilty, he moved toward his side of the room and sat on his bed. "Sorry about that, Mabel. I-I just don't know."

Mabel came over and put her arm around his neck. "Its okay, Dipper. I understand." She twirled a finger around her brown hair. Nervously, she said, "I kinda feel the same way about you too."

Dipper looked up surprised. "Really?" He asked. Mabel nodded. They both just stared at each other for a moment before leaning in to kiss. To their delight, their lips were nearly centimeters away from eachothers. They both looked at each other lovingly and

"PACIFICA, COULD YOU COME DOWN HERE?!" her mother yelled from the kitchen.

Pacifica was so surprised she nearly fell out of her seat. After calming down, she yelled back, "Mom, I want to be in my room right now!"

Her mother was silent for a few moments, then responded. "Pacifica, you're not allowed to be on those kind of websites."

"I'M JUST WRITING A STORY!"

Pacifica glared angrily at her computer. Ever since Mabel had nearly defeated her at the party, and Dipper had humiliated her, she desperately wanted revenge on the twins. She realized she could do that by simply writing a fake story about them being incestious lovers and post it on the internet.

Her hands tapped the keyboard as she wrote the final words. _kissed each other again. _Pacifica smiled as she was one click away from ruining the lives of her archenemies.

After spellchecking (the website she was posting the story on was very serious about proper spelling and grammar) her finger hovered over the ENTER key. Hoping for savor every moment, she lifted her finger high above the key. With a smug smirk, she thrusted her finger down.

But a blackout occured.

Her computer screen and the lights in the room went out. Her finger hit the button but nothing happened. Stopped by a blackout! Pacifica fumed, but realized that once the blackout ended she could just post it.

But she had never saved it to the computer.

She realized that, and with a bloodcurling scream threw the keyboard at the computer. The screen broke in a firework display of sparks. She pushed the computer off her table and sat down out of breath. Her dad ran upstairs and opened the door to her room.

"Pacifica Northwest!" he yelled in shock.

Pacifica turned around and took her anger out on her dad. "I COULD BUY OR SELL YOU OLD MAN!"

Her dad shrugged. "Fair enough." He left the room.

As she screamed in anger, Pacifica couldn't shake the feeling that the conversation with her dad was somehow a deja vu moment.

**School is starting, so I hope to get out as many stories as I can before I am buried in work. Anyway, some questions to ponder: How does Pacifica know so much about the twins? I will be answering this in a later story.**


	4. Episode 58: Bamboni's Debt

Randy sprinted down a dark alley. He was a big round man with a brown beard, but what was pursuing him scared Randy enough to nearly make him pee his pants. Randy heard the sound of feet hitting the wet asphalt, and tried to go quicker when *BAM*

The pursuer delivered a bone crushing quick to Randy's back, sending the bearded man to the ground. The bag he was holding flew toward a trash can. Randy, dazed, looked up at his pursuer.

His eyes grew wide. "No, no, NOT YOU!" A duck waddled next to Randy and pecked him in the face. Randy squirmed but a webbed foot kept him in place.

"**THE DUCKTECTIVE!" **_Cue theme song._

* * *

"Mabel, hurry up, its starting!" Dipper yelled. Mabel sprinted into the room, wearing a brand new teal sweater with a picture of a duck stitched on it. She sat down next to Dipper.

"You know I can't watch a new episode of Ducktective without my special sweater on."

Dipper rolled his eyes, then saw Mabel wolf down the popcorn. "Mabel, save some, alright? We still have 21 minutes to watch!"

* * *

The ducktective studied Randy for a moment. "Quack quack?"

Randy shook his head. "No, I-I don't work for the mafia!" The duck shook his head, then waddled over toward the bag Randy had dropped. He opened it, revealing thousands of wads of cash. Ducktective stared at Randy in disbelief.

"Alright, you got me. Bamboni sent me to get some money because he was in debt of Mario Russo. But I got that money fair and square!"

"QUACK!"

Randy hung his head. "Okay, I guess robbing a bank isn't fair and square, but, I had to get the money or-" Randy was cut short as a bullets struck his prone body. His head turned and Ducktective knew he was dead. A few bullets headed toward the duck's way, so he rolled toward a trash can for protection.

Two goons walked toward the body. Ducktective inched around to the other side of the barrel, then jumped toward the closest goon. He head butted him, and the criminal fell down. The other one pulled out a hand gun, but the duck slapped it out of his hand before pecking him in the nose. "Ow, m' 'ose!" the goon said as he fell down in shock.

Ducktective had no time to lose. Another car pulled up and several criminals were firing Tommy guns at him. "YOU'RE DEAD, DUCKTECTIVE!" one of them yelled. Ducktective then taunted, "Quack, quack-quack!"

The guy stopped shooting. "You're right, that's what I think." Ducktective squeezed threw a hole in a nearby fence. He wadded toward his Mustang, but a large muscled man stepped in front of him. Avalanche, Bamboni's enforcer.

"We meet again, ducktective. I hope you've brought some snow gear because you're gonna be stuck in an AVALANCHE!" Avalanche tried to grab the duck, but he rolled out of the way. Ducktective then launched a vicious roundhouse kick, connecting with Avalanche's jaw. The enforcer stumbled in pain, and Ducktective pecked him in the neck. Avalanche fell to the ground. While the strong man was distracted, Ducktective jumped into his car and drove off.

A large truck rumbled down the street, narrowly missing the mustang. Ducktective saw the trucker hunched over the steering wheel, eyes locked on the mustang, and the duck knew that trucker was out for a cooked goose.

The truck turned around and pursued Ducktective down the free way. The duck looked back and saw the truck was gaining on him at an alarming rate.

Up ahead, a ship was chugging down the river, and an operator was going to turn the swing bridge. An idea formed in Ducktective's head. He stepped on the gas pedal, and was now going 120 mph. The worker saw the Ducktective and his eyes widened in surprise.

The Ducktective launched over the gap and landed on the middle section of the bridge. The trucker tried to follow, but his truck smashed into the side of the middle section. The trucker smashed through the windshield and tumbled right next to the Mustang. Behind him, the truck fell into the water with a fiery explosion, narrowly missing the boat.

Ducktective opened the back door, hitting the trucker in the side of the head. He knew the man wouldn't talk unless he was tortured hard enough. The duck jumped out of the car and waddled over toward the trucker. "QUACK!"

The trucker spit out a cigar. "I ain't talking, water fowl." Water fowl was a highly derogative term, and the duck got very angry. He hoisted the trucker up and dangled him over the side of the bridge.

"QUACK!"

"Okay, okay, OKAY! You want information? I got it. Bamboni and Avalanche are meeting tonight in the old warehouse down at Wharf 21! Just stop dangling me!" The duck nodded and threw the trucker to the ground, who proceeded to curl up in a ball. Ducktective got back in his car and put on his shades. It was time to rock and roll. _Cue commercial break._

* * *

"It's time to rock and roll," Mabel told her twin. SHe grabbed a pair of shades and put them on. Dipper shook his head.

"Mabel, you know I'm the only one who can look good in those shades." He pulled a pair of shades out of a desk and put them on. The twins stared a each other, trying to determine who looked better. Wendy then walked in.

"What are you dorks doing?" she asked. Dipper blushed and froze up, so Mabel asked the all important question.

"Who looks better in shades?" Wendy gave each of them a good, long stare. She rubbed her chin in thought, then took a deep breath.

"Mabel."

"YES!" Mabel cheered. She jumped on top of the recliner and started dancing. Wendy laughed then walked back to her position on the roof. Mabel poked Dipper. "You're jealous that your girlfriend thinks I look better in shades, aren't you?" Dipper glared grumpily at Mabel, then the TV announced Ducktective was back on.

"OOOHH! Now we will finally see Bamboin CRUMBLE!" Mabel pretending to shoot things around the room with her grappling hook.

* * *

Ducktective parked his mustang outside of the warehouse. He kicked the door open, but discovered it was pitch black. A loud booming voice rang out from above him.

"Got any grapes, ducktective?" Five muscled goons surrounded the ductective. Bambino crawled down a ladder and started slow clapping. "You nearly ended my reign of crime, ducktective, in particular that New York mission involving that donut and the musuem. But it ends tonight!"

Two goons grabbed the duck and held him to the ground. Ducktective tried to break free, but they were too strong. Bambino pulled out a hand gun. "Good bye, Ducktective!"

Then something strange happened. Bambino dropped the gun in shock. He stumbled then fell flat on his face, revealing about 20 tasers embedded in his back. It was the Constable!

While everyone was distracted, Ducktective threw the two goons. They both crashed into crates. The duck waddled over toward his friend. "Just like old times, eh?"

"Quack-Quack!" The two starting beating up the goons around the warehouse, providing their rear brand of duck-human justice that only they could deliver. Punches, slaps, peckings, kicks, and other types of strikes were performed. By the end of the montage 5 criminals lay around the ware house dead.

The two highfived, but then a gun loaded behind them. They turned and saw Bambino was aiming a gun at the Constable's head. Bambino chuckled. "I...always...have the last laugh." He swayed a bit, then pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the gun jammed. Bambino looked at the gun in disbelief. "Bollocks...I'll...murder you...momentarily. I just...need a glass of ice...water..." Bambino stumbled, the fell to the floor unconscious.

The Constable sighed in relief, then turned to face the Ducktective. "Looks like you-," the duck gave him a hard stare. "Umm, solved the case." The two fist bumped. _Cue credits._

* * *

Mabel's eyes went wide with excitement. "Wow, that was the greatest Ducktective episode EVER!" She jumped and did a twirl.

Dipper wasn't as impressed. "They totally ripped off _Batman Returns _with the last with Bambino."

Mabel just shrugged. "Whatever. And besides, you got butter all over the chair."

"What! That was you!" Dipper accused. The two pretending to fight each other as they went to bed.

* * *

**So that concludes another exciting chapter! See you next time, and remember, don't patronize that duck!**

**WKH VZHDWHUHG NQLJKW EHJLQV**


	5. Pressure Heights

Dipper woke up from a night of wacky dreams. He scratched his head in amusement, expecting to feel his short brown hair.

But something was wrong.

Dipper rubbed his hair again and discovered it went past his shoulders. He looked at himself and learned he was wearing a long green nightshirt with a CD on it. He jumped off his bed, his dark green socks softly landing on the ground.

He ran to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. Yes, something was wrong.

He was a girl.

"ABEL!" Dipper yelled. Dipper jumped back in surprise; was Mabel a boy?

A deep voice that could have belonged to a 32 year old confirmed this. "Why do you sound so nervous, Ursa?"

"Ab-I mean, Mabel, you're a guy!" Ursa yelled in panic.

Abel tilted his head and looked at his shocked twin in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Ursa nearly began to spas out. Abel watched in shock. "Uh, hold on Ursa, I'll get the book."

"THE BOOK! Yes!" Ursa yelled. She ran back to attic and grabbed the book from under his pillow. He started to franticly flip the pages, hoping to find a reason for this madness.

"Ursa, calm down! Why are you acting so cray-cray?"

"Because I'm a boy and you're a girl! Ursa screamed in frustation.

A woman's voice called from the kitchen. "Gremlins, breakfast is ready!"

"Ohh, I can smell Graunt Sandy's bacon!" Abel cheered.

"No! It's supposed to be Grunkle Stan!"

Abel just shook his head and grabbed Ursa's arm. "C'mon sis, maybe some bacon will clear you're head."

The two walked down the stairs, and Ursa nearly vomited in disbelief. How is this happening? She racked his mind for answers, but she came up with nothing.

Grugdingly, he sat down and start chewing a nearly burned piece of bacon.

Jeez, Graunt Sandy was a horrible cook, Ursa thought. Wait, no! It's Stan!

A tall red haired teen walked in to the room. "Hey, Indy," Ursa said. Indy just nodded and stole one of Abel's bacon strips.

Ursa was utterly enjoyed by the sight of Indy. Tall, strong, cute...

_No! Indy's a guy! And I'm a guy. So.._.

"I LIKE GIRLS!" Ursa blurted out. Everybody stopped and gave him an awkward stare, even Sue, who was cleaning bobbleheads in the store.

"Umm..." Abel said, confused.

Ursa waved her hands. "No! It's just...I'm...umm..." Ursa just sighed and went back to the attic. She looked through her trunk and gasped about what he saw.

All his shorts were changed into grey skirts, and his vests were now jackets without their sleeves. He put them on. It gave him a strange feeling, like he had been worn these before, but hadn't. Freaky.

Abel cautiously opened the door. He saw that his sister was nearly crying. Abel tried to comfort him.

"C'mon Ursa, it's alright." He kneed beside her and patted her head. "I guess that these years are tough, y'know, with puberty and all, but we'll pull through."

Ursa managed to smile. She was glad they still had the ability to sense each other's feelings easily, almost like telepathy. Wait..._telepathy_.

"That's it!" Ursa yelled. Abel cringed in surprise.

"What?"

"Abel, remember that physic girl?"

"Gabriella? Yeah, how could forget someone who had an unhealthy obession about me and tried to cut off you're tongue." Abel changed into a new blue t-shirt, then put on a maroon sweatshirt with a picture of a soccer ball stitche on.

To Ursa's horror, Abel had chest hair._ I'm Dipper, and my sister Mabel has chest hair, which is creepy on so many levels._

A slight pang of jealousy entered Ursa; Mabel had three more strands of chest hair than Dipper did. Ursa pushed the thought aside. _Now was not the time to reflect upon the fact you're sister was more of a man than you._

"We got to go there," Ursa told her twin. Abel cheered.

"Yeah! And I can tell him he sounds like Sally Syrup!"

_Dear god, even cartoons have been gender flipped._

The twins arrived about 20 minutes later. After watching Mary the Platypus do on TV, Abel now always kicked doors to open them.

With all of his brute strength, Abel kicked the door, nearly knocking it off of its hinges. _She's not more manly than you, she's not more manly than you._

A loud bang came from a room upstairs. "Looks like that's where Sally is," Abel said with a grin. The two charged up the stairs and smashed through the doors, hitting Gabriella straight in the nose.

"Ow...jeez, guys, you broke my nose two weeks ago." Abel hoisted Gabriella up.

"WHERE'S THE TRIGGER?" Abel yelled. When everybody just stared, she said, "Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that!

"Anyway, why did you bring us here, Ursa?"

Ursa stepped forward and stared Gabriella in the eyes. "Listen, Flapjack, I know you changed us into the opposite sex-" Abel giggled, "And you are going to change us back!"

"A little fight in you. I like that." Gabriella said with a sly smile. When Ursa recoiled, Gabriella frowned. "No, it's just that I've wanted to say that too."

Gabriella turned on a projector, and a brigt picture of red words appeared on the screen.

"You see, I was trying to cast spell to make Mabel fall in love with me, but I said the wrong one and caused everybody to change.

"In order to change back, they must sing this!" Gabriella pointed to the screen.

"Hail naw!" Ursa said. Abel rubbed her shoulder and nodded. Ursa sighed. It had to be done.

With a deep breath, Ursa began. "WELL...

who wants a lamby lamby lamby? I do! I do! So go up and greet your mammy mammy mammy! Hi there! Hi there!"

While singing, Ursa noticed Abel was filming this. Silently cursing, she continued.

"So march march march around the daisies! And don't don't don't you forget about the baby!" Ursa waved arms around for a big finish.

Gabriella bursted out with laughter. "Hahahaha...you didn't have to do that. I just wanted you to!" She slapped her knee in amusement.

"The real way is this," Gabriella started chanting, the room looked like it was melting, leaving behind black walls of nothingness.

* * *

Dipper woke up from a wacky night of dreams. He scratched his head in amusement, sighing in relief after feeling short hair.

"Hey Dipper, check out this weird video!" Dipper stared at the screen of her phone.

Dipper was startled to see the Ursa version of himself doing to Lamby Lamby Dance. "Wonder who filmed this?"

Dipper just shook his head. "I think we should just delete it."

Mabel nodded, then hit the DELETE button.

* * *

**Jeez, this was confusing to write. I hope you all enjoy it!**


	6. CandyDip

Twelve-year-old Dipper Pines lumbered through the forest, the usual look of happiness and determination replaced by sadness and despair. He kicked loose dirt and pebbles as he walked, desperately trying to erase the memory of a horrible moment that happened a mere twenty minutes ago.

_"Who would buy Grunkle Stan bobbleheads?" the brunette tween asked himself. Apparently, someone did, and they needed to be replaced. Unfortunately, as Mabel had pointed out, Dipper was too short to reach the shelf, so Wendy had to do it. Dipper grabbed a box of bobbleheads from the attic and went to go give it to Wendy._

_He repositioned his sweaty hands so the box wouldn't slip. "Hmm, I'll compliment her hair." Dipper smiled at his plan. A small part of his heart still believed he could get with Wendy, and he clung to it as if he was over quicksand. "One day, Dipper, one day." He rounded the corner and entered the store part of the Shack, and his eyes widened in disbelief at the scene in front of him._

_Wendy was making out with Robbie._

_ The two were so concentrated on each other that they didn't notice the small boy dropping his bobbleheads and sprinting away._

Dipper had ran as fast as he could into the forest, not caring if anybody noticed. The part of his heart that still had hope was now broken. The thought of "one day" seemed to far-fetched now. Tears streamed across his face as he realized the truth; he didn't really have a chance with Wendy. Even with clones and time travel, he failed. And something always got into his way, whether it be ghosts or pigs or sentient candy.

Out of breath, he sat down on a log and buried his face into his hands. His heavy breathing returned to normal rates, and he wiped the tears away from his eyes. Calmed down, he dared to look up and study the forest. Its peacefulness and serenity washed over him like a wave. Dipper relaxed a bit and layed back, because he knew he wasn't moving his spot.

That's when he heard the scream.

The piercing noise thundered in his ear, and its source was abruptly cut off. Dipper instantly came to alert, and scanned the area to look for the area it came from. Another high-pitched cry for help cut across the forest again. Dipper stood back up and ran toward its origin.

Dipper heard it again, and noted it sounded familiar some how. He came to the top of a ridge which overlooked a small dip in the forest. He peered down, and sighed when he saw the familiar pointy red hats and blue overalls of the gnomes. "They must have captured another girl," he whispered to himself. He looked around the gnome camp, and saw several gnomes fighting a short girl with a green shirt and black hair and glasses. His eyes widened.

"That's Mabel's friend, Candy!" Dipper saw the girl trying to escape her captors. She let out another shriek, but a gnome placed his hands over her mouth. Two more jumped on her back and pulled her to the ground. Jeff stood on a large rock and issued orders.

"Good job, guys, just like we practiced." Dipper smirked when he saw Jeff still had a bruise from where Dipper kicked him during the incident with the fake unicorn. He frowned again when he realized that Candy was pinned to the ground. "That's it! Hey, Steve, get her left leg!"

Dipper slid down the slope, grabbing his hat to keep it from falling off. He angrily approached Jeff and grabbed him by the beard. "What's going on?" the gnome yelled. Dipper threw Jeff to the ground. "Ow! Watch it, Dipper, you already bruised half of my body!"

"Let her go!" Dipper commanded. The gnomes temporarily stopped, allowing Candy some freedom. Jeff desperately waved his arms at them. Getting the message, they jumped back on her. Jeff turned to face Dipper.

"Look, Dipper. I know you may be mad at us for attempting to marry-"

"Kidnap!" Dipper interrupted.

"Marry, kidnap, whatever. Anyway, we moved on." He pointed to Candy, who was still struggling to get free of the ropes tried around her. "Doesn't she look happy?"

"What? No!" Jeff ignored him, and went back to commanding the gnomes. Dipper thought of a way to get Candy out of this. He smiled smugly when an idea came to him. "Hey, Jeff, you can't marry her without a wedding ring."

Jeff turned around, confused. "What?"

"Mabel never returned your wedding ring," Dipper explained. Jeff nervously turned to face the other gnomes.

"Um, guys, we, um, kind of forget the wedding ring."

One of the larger gnomes pointed at another. "It was Steve's fault!"

"Don't blame Steve-" Jeff was interuppted when Dipper launched a kick. His foot connected right into Jeff's back, sending him flying. He smashed into a tree. He tried to stand up, but immediantly fell again and layed there.

While the gnomes were busy gasping, Dipper freed Candy. He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the camp, up the ledge, and through the forest. A gnome noticed the queen-to-be was gone. "Uh, guys, should we form another gnome monster thingy?

Steve shoved him. "We can't without orders. And it wasn't my fault!

* * *

Dipper and Candy didn't stop until they were back at the Mystery Shack. The two simply panted for a few moments, then turned to face each other. Candy adjusted her glasses and nervously smiled. "Thanks for saving me," she said in her accent.

Dipper shrugged. "It was nothing, really."

Candy rubbed the back of her neck, then took a deep breath. "Hey, G-Grenda's dad owns a pizza shop, and I was wondering...do you want to go with m-me there some day?"

Dipper stared with amazement. Did Candy just ask him out? He paused to think about his answer. Wendy, for the forseeable future, was untouchable. And, maybe, it was time for something different. He took in her sweet scent of peppermint.

Dipper, cheeks red, smiled. "Sure."

* * *

**A/N: I love to ship Dipper and Candy, for some reason I can't explain. Several new chapters are coming soon!**

**By the way, these stories all have a continuity, so there may be a few references to previous chapters (mainly the first one).**


	7. Election 2012

Do you want to vote for two men who are honest, serious, and are no-nonsense? If you do, then don't vote for our candidates. But if you want candidates who are awesome, magnificent, and can perform Falcon Punches, vote **Trembley-McSkirmish** **2012**.

"If you vote for us," the presidential hopeful told us, "I can guarentee there will be a 89% decrease in vampire fridge attacks."

Let's see their stances on key issues.

**ABORTION**

"No comment..."

"Agreed!"

**CRIME**

"It's simple," Trembley stated in an interview. "We kill the Batman."

**DECEMBER 21, 2012**

"Aliens."

"Intergalatic synchronization beam."

**DOMESTIC ISSUES**

"First, I will end the Pancake War which has cost us millions of syrup bottles. Then I will use that extra money usually used for pancakes and make Waffle Land! Just think about it! I will create the greatest waffle-themed amusement park/carnival in all of Earth and Mars, and kajillions of people will go there. You get a waffle-themed play land, and money. It's a win/win situation."

**ECONOMY**

"To fix the economy of these several united states, we must bury all of our money underground. We will then give people jobs digging them back up again. D-Don't laugh...it's perfect!" Trembly has previously stated he supports continuing the Summerween Candy Tax of 2003, which has caused some controversy among 12 year old kids.

**EDUCATION**

"I'm too cool for school, so I can't answer that." McSkirmish had told us.

"Yes, school, the birthplace of knowledge! If I'm president I will dedicate an entire class to the FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!"

**ENERGY**

"I have thought about this for a while," Trembley told us while scratching his nose. "We must harness the power of DNA to, to evolve animals! We can have Japanese kappa, mammothines, elephantines, krakens, and lionesques. And at the head of this is a flying whale...YES! That is the answer. I shall call this whale...THE LEVIATHAN!"

"Uh..."

"What? I'm sure that idea is not copyrighted."

**ENVIROMENT**

"Who cares about the enviroment?" Trembley asked.

**EQUAL RIGHTS**

Trembley's offical stance is that Hobbits and Martians are of equal status of humans. However, his track record is marred by an outburst by Mr. McSkrimish during a previous debate.

**Obama: **Wanna hear a joke?

**McSkirmish: **Women's rights!

McSkirmish has apologized for this statement, saying, "I'm sorry. I was in the heat of the moment."

**IMMIGRATION**

"Everyone is welcome to this great land." McSkrimish stated. "Except Norwegians. And you know why."

**FOREIGN POLICY**

"INVADE THE SOVIET UNION!" Rumble McSkirmish states his beliefs are based on the fact that it's still the 1980s.

"Now, now Rumble," Quentin told his pixel-y vice president. "First we make our Death Star fully operational, then we invade France so they can't use their lightning gun against us."

"Do you mean the Eiffel Tower?"

"What?"

**HEALTH CARE**

Rumble McSkirmish chose to answer this one. "Simply level up until you get maximum health. I recommend beating up Goblins, they have an combat level of 2."

**INFRASTRUCTURE**

Trembley has outlined his idea in the Coney Island Plan. "First, we destroy Coney Island, because the hot dogs there cost way too much. Then, we use the materials to build Waffle Land, and less important stuff, y'know, like highways."

**JOBS**

"It's a four letter word, Biden, IT'S A FOUR LETTER WORD!"

**MARRIAGE**

"I support Human-Woodpecker Marriage," Trembley stated. Him, the vice president hopeful, and the reporter stared at each other awkwardly for a few moments. Finally, Mr. McSkirmish broke the silence.

"I ship Dipper and Candy."

**NATIONAL SECURITY**

Trembley made a fist. "The Templars vye for control of Earth, but we cannot allow this. ASSASSINS! ASSASSINS!"

Our reporter immediantly fled, yelling "Assassino!"

**QUESTION 2**

Trembly laughed. "That's an easy one. We simply freeze ourself in a block of solid brittle, a pretty smooth move if you ask me, and wait until they discover how to re-animate bodies."

**RENT**

McSkirmish got very angry when he heard this word. "THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH!"

**SENIOR CITZENS**

"People can get to be 65 years old!?"

**TACO BELL**

Under the "Dipper Goes to Taco Bell Act of 2012", Trembly decrees: "All members of the Pines Family, including one Stanford Pines, Mabel Pines, and Roderick "Dipper" Pines,...weird name, I know, are never allowed to go to Taco Bell or your local KFC ever again, on account of scarring hundreds of Tumblr and Fanfiction users."

**TAXES**

"Ooohh, this one is a tough-y." Rumble scratched his head, creating a rather disturbing noise. "Oh, I got it now. Less taxes for everyone! Except Norwegians. And you know why."

**TRANSPORTATION**

"What's wrong with horses?" Trembley has asked to several reporters. None of them has come up with answer besides the fact he wants to use, well...horses.

"I fully support the use of Game Central Station!" McSkirmish has declared.

* * *

So, please, vote for the Dinousaur Party. Because our party will take our country's problems, and push them somewhere else.

**TREMBLEY-MCSKIRMISH 2012. SILLINESS AT HOME, INSANITY ABROAD.**


	8. Gnomageddon

"Kids, we're here!" Stan parked the car, got out, and opened the door for the twins. They both tumbled out. Mabel wiped the dust off of her sweater and beamed at Stan.

"I can't believe we're in Mount Rushmore!" Mabel exclaimed. She jumped up and down in excitement.

Dipper put Volume 3 in his vest. "Why are we here?"

"I thought selling some novelties and befuddlements here would make me a lot of money. And it will!"

"Actually, I think you might have some competition." Dipper stated. He pointed at a large RV that was surrounded by tens of adoring fans.

Stan's eyes narrowed. "Gideon..."

"Don't worry, Grunkle Stan, I'm sure you can handle him!" Mabel cheered.

Stan smiled with determination. "He's not gonna defeat me today!" He pushed the twins towards the woods. "Why don't you two, uh, make play in those woods."

"Okay!" Mabel sprinted into the forest, following a dusty, worn out trail. Dipper studied the forest for a moment.

"Uh, Grunkle Stan, are you sure its safe in there?"

"Ooooooohhhh," Stan said mockingly. "Watch out for Bigfoot and carnivourous jackalopes in there!" When Dipper didn't laugh, Stan slapped him on the back. "C'mon, kid, just go join your sister." Dipper nodded, and ran after her.

* * *

Dipper nearly covered his ears as Mabel's nonstop talking entered the 12th minute. "I'll name my baby Carlos! Or maybe Edward. Or Brock! So once I get out of the hospital, I'll take Carlos/Edward/Brock back to my sparkling enchanted tree house where me and my vampire husband-not boyfriend-will be waiting. A bunch of sparkling unicorns will fly around the house, creating a never ending DOUBLE RAINBOW! And then...what's that?"

Mabel ran over to something very interesting. "Mabel, that's a rope," Dipper said.

"I know, but it's so-" The rope suddenly rose up and tightened. The twins slammed into a tree, and the rope tightened so hard Dipper couldn't break free.

"Ahh, Mabel and Dipper, how unexpected. And by expected, I mean completely EXPECTED!" Jeff walked in front of them, leading a large group of gnomes. He smirked. "I saw that in a TV show."

* * *

Stan stuck a large wad of cash in his pocket as Gideon sauntered over. "Oi, it's you!" Stan said angrily.

"Look, Stan, I don't like you either. So let's make this quick." He smirked. "Get off my land."

This took Stan by suprise. "What?"

"Did I stutter?"

"No." Gideon paused and stared in confusion. "What?" Stan asked. "You asked me a question, so I responded."

Gideon facepalmed. "Listen, Stan," he said as yawned casually. "I have a permit to set up my Tent of Telepathy here, so please kindly step aside.

Stan glared. "Make me, punk!"

* * *

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Jeff, don't you I'm going to just going to escape, beat up the other gnomes, and kick you in the face?"

Jeff cracked his knuckles. "Not this time! So, come on Mabel, let's get married."

Mabel sighed. "Jeff, I don't like you. So I'm not going anywhere!"

"Ok, so maybe marrying us might cause you a _little _trauma. But, look on the bright side," Jeff explained. "You get to lose your virginity!"

If there any action music, or any type music, was playing, it would have stopped. Mabel and Jeff stared at each other awkwardly for a few moments. Mabel then broke the silence. "What."

Jeff hesitated. "I-Isn't that what all 7th grade girls want?" When Mabel shook her head, he turned to face another gnome. "Schmebulok, where did you get that information?"

"Uh, Facebook!" Jeff started to bonk Schmebulok on the head.

In between punches, he said, "I-told-you-the-internet-LIES!"

Schembulok shook nervously. "But Carson told me to look there!"

Carson glared at Schembulok. "No I didn't!" The gnomes split into opposing groups and started arguing with each other. While they were distracted, Dipper (surprisingly) ripped the ropes apart. He fell to the ground and pulled Mabel free. They turned and fled.

"GUYS, GUYS! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!" Jeff yelled. The gnomes chased after them, but their little legs weren't fast enough. Soon, the twins were out of their sight. Jeff breathed in deeply, then yelled, "Gnomes of the forest, ASSEMBLE!" A thousand gnomes appeared and started linking arms.

"Dipper, they're gonna form that monster thingy again," Mabel cautiously told her twin. They then heard giant footsteps from behind them, and they quickened their pace.

"Mabel, follow me!" Dipper yelled. They sprinted toward the Mount Rushmore heads. "Mabel, go find a hatch or door of some kind on Roosevelt, and I'll go on Lincoln." Mabel nodded and they split up.

"Guys, we're going after Mabel," Jeff commanded. The gnome monster turned and ran after Mabel, who had reached the top of the head. She spotted a handle and pulled on it. It opened up and Mabel climbed down a ladder, closing the hatch above just as the gnomes reached it. She sat down on a lone chair and looked around the control.

Their were several blinkling lights, buttons, levers, and other gizmos. Above her a red light blinked and a sign next to it said "READY?" Mabel looked at a keyboard and found a button that said "Yes". She pushed down on it, and the machine roared to life. More lights turned on, several needles inside guages spun, and Mabel felt the floor lurch as the robot came out of the mountain.

"This is just like Power Rangers!" Mabel squealed.

A low voice came out of a speaker. "Prancer 1-1, you are not authorized for motion. Please stop or we will send in every SWAT team, NAVY SEALs, and actually seals we can find to smoke you out."

"You sound like a buttface," Mabel told the voice. It didn't respond.

Another voice came over the radio, this one familiar. "Mabel, can you hear me?" Dipper asked.

"Roger roger," Mabel answered Dipper with. She pulled down a lever, and the robot spun around, causing the gnomes on its head to fall off. Mabel swore she heard one of them say "Schmebulok."

"Mabel the monster is right behind you!" Dipper yelled over the radio. Mabel spun some sort of wheel and its right arm spun backwards and punched all the gnomes in the right leg. "Hey, Dipper, ten bonus points for hitting Jeff!"

"I wonder if Grunkle Stan is seeing this?"

* * *

"Gideon, you tried to strangle me in a previous chapter. I am not moving!" Stan told the pint size boy. Gideon shook his head.

"TSK-TSK Mister Pines," Gideon told the miser. He pulled out a paper and held it boastfully in front of Stan's face. "See it? Here's my permit."

"I don't care, Flapjack," Stan retored. Gideon's face got red, and he tried to slap Stan.

"I DON'T SOUND LIKE FLAPJACK!" Gideon roared. Stan just laughed, and fell off his chair. He grabbed his sides.

"Haha, yes you do. You don't want me to get Mabel down here, do you? Cause she'll just kick your butt again!" Stan slapped his knee, but started coughing. "Hehe, that was worth it."

Gideon stomped his foot in rage. "Stanford, I will have my revenge one day. And when I do, you will all pay tribute to your overlord!" Gideon dusted off his cape and turned around, walking back to his RV.

"Ha, what a loser. I wonder where those kids are."

* * *

"I GOT HIM! FIFTY POINTS!" Mabel yelled. She punched Jeff in the face, sending him to the ground. Twenty gnomes around him joined together, but Dipper's Lincoln robot just smashed them.

"Hey, I thought it was ten points," Dipper complained as he slapped Carson. He then flicked the gnome, sending him flying into the forest.

"I changed my mind. Rocket!" Mabel hit a yellow button, launching a rocket at the gnomes. They ran back into the forest, away from the explosions. Only Jeff remained, glaring angrily at the twins.

"This isn't over, you hear me kids! I'll win this one-" The Lincoln robot kicked him, sending him flying into the woods. "I'll get you back!" he yelled as he sailed away.

"I think I won, I got 240 points," Dipper said into his radio.

"You were keeping track?" Mabel asked. "Who cares? We WON!" The twins manuvered their robot back into their resting place in the mountain. She opened up the hatch, then hugged Dipper, who was already out of his robot. "We did good, broseph."

* * *

The long day finally ended. The twins and Stan walked back to Stan's car, with Dipper carrying a sign, Mabel held some unsold items, and Stan hugging a fistful of cash.

"So, Stan, how was your day?" Mabel asked. Stan chuckled.

"Well I made fun of Gideon. What more could a guy ask for?" He laughed uncontrollably, nearly dropping the money.

"Me and Dipper fought off a bunch of gnomes using presidential faced robots!" Mabel said excitedly. Before Dipper could say anything, she added, "And I got more points than him."

"Oh, you kids and you're imaginations!" Stan rubbed Mabel's head with his free head.

Above them, 3 F-15s flew toward Mount Rushmore. Simultaneously, the pilots flicked open a glass cover that protected a red button, wiped sweat off their forehead, and pressed down on the button. 12 rockets flew toward the mountain, destroying the robots. "Big Red, this is Rudolf. We have destroyed Frosty, repeat Frosty is destroyed."

"Very good, Rudolf. Return and have some cookies and milk!" The jolly man known as Big Red replied. The jets returned back to their base.

Despite the explosion behind them, the twins and their Grunkle didn't stop. They didn't turn around.

Because cool guys don't look at explosions.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, this story was the longest one so far. So enjoy! If you want, you can leave suggestions for future chapters in the reviews or you can PM me. If I like it, I'll right a story based on it.**


	9. Revolution, Part 1

**A/N: First off, this is from Dipper's POV. This is a darker chapter, and our usual insanity-laced comedy is missing. Also, there is character death.**

* * *

_Dear Father,_

_Things have been rough this past year. General Washington's army has suffered horrid losses as Brandywine and Germantown. Worst of all we have lost Philadelphia to the Redcoats, and the Continental Congress has fled. We are always on the move, as Washington hopes to find shelter before winter sets in. We have are now in the small village known as White Marsh, though I have heard that we might heading to Valley Forge later this month. But don't fear for our safety, Father. My brother and I have lived through worse. _

_Your son,_

_Dipper Pines_

* * *

I handed the letter to a messenger, and he rode down a dusty old trail that led to my father's cottage in Massachusetts. I sighed, feeling a little homesick. It had been a few months since I had been back home. My brother noticed me and walked over.

"You okay?" Soos said. I managed a smile. Soos, who was nearing his 18th birthday, was the finest brother a person could have. Back at our cottage, he taught me hunting, fishing, farming, and how to be a good person. Soos was large for his age and moved a bit awkwardly, though he made up for this in his spirit and determination. His loyalty through the latest engagements had earned him a promotion, something he held with pride.

"Don't worry, Soos. I guess I'm just a little...nervous about our next battle," I told him. I glanced at a few wounded soldiers carried on stretchers.

"You'll get over it. At least you got put in our Great Uncle's unit." I nodded. Great Uncle Stanford fought and lost his right eye and in the French and Indian War, and because of his experience he gained the rank of Major in the Continental Army. A gambler, drinker, and a fighter, Stanford lived life to the fullest and took crap from no-one. He was also the cheapest man I have ever known. For a mere bribe, he let me, a fourteen year old boy, into the army.

But I'm grateful. Our crusade for independence must not fail.

"Oh, and before I forget." Soos rummaged through his napsack for a moment, then pulled out an old dusty book. Peculiarly, it bore a golden, six fingered hand on the mahogany-colored cover. "This is the book I bought at the auction in New York last summer. I think it's time you got to read it." I took it from his hands carefully. The book was one of Soos' prized possessions, and he had never let anybody else read it before.

"Soos, just...thank you!" I showed my gratitude. Soos noddded, then took off my tricorne hat and ruffled my hair. He placed the hat back on my head, and walked back to his tent. However, he interrupted by a large wail coming from the camp's entrance. I turned and my jaw dropped. It was the messenger!

Soos and I sprinted over to help him. The messenger was grabbing his side in pain, his face twisted in agony. A trail of blood followed him. Soos grabbed the man just before he collapsed. "What happened?"

"It was the British!" the messenger cried. This got the attention of a few more men, who sprinted over. However, Soos stopped them.

"We need to get this man to a doctor! Someone get a doctor!" He commanded. A rebel nodded then ran to the doctor's tent. Soos turned his attention back to the man. "Stay with us, dude!"

"What's all this ruckus?!" I heard a gruff voice question. Major Stanford jumped off his horse, landing right next to me. He saw the wounded man and frowned. "What happened, son?" I resisted to urge to vomit, but I'm not sure it was from the messenger's wounds or Stanford's breath.

"The British are coming, sir! A whole lot of them," the messenger responded. Soos picked up the man and carried him toward the doctor.

"How many are there?" Stanford asked.

"Must have been at least 15,000, all under the command of Colonel Gideon Gleeful." Stanford swore and spit out his cigar. "They're probably going to reach us in 15 minutes!" the messenger continued.

"Corporal Soos, take this man to the doctor. I'll go rally the troops." Soos nodded and scurried away. Stanford then sprinted toward a barn, where he rang a large bell hurriedly. Everybody stopped what they were doing and stood in attention.

"Men, the time is now at hand. The British are approaching our positions, hoping to take away our rights, our liberty, our FREEDOM! Can we let this happen?!"

"NO!" The patriots roared.

"No, we cannot. So let it be determined, here today, that we can stand up for ourselves. Now, BATTLE STATIONS!"

"OOOOORRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH HHH!" Everybody cheered. A rebel started ringing the bell as the base got ready for the attack. Men retrieved their powder kegs and rifles, while others carried large boxes of supplies. I went to join Soos in the medical tent, but Stanford stopped me in my tracks.

"Pines, I need you to help the cannon crew on the ledge over there," he ordered. I gulped nervously. I've never seen combat before, and I expected to stay with Soos the entire time.

"But-"

"No buts!" Stanford interrupted. "When you signed up, you agreed to do whatever I say. Now move!" Stanford shoved my back, and I stumbled forward on weak knees. I picked up a rifle from a stand, and ran over to the cannon's position.

* * *

The leader of the cannon crew was a 22-year-old man named Robert V. He loathed me, and I had no idea why. Perhaps he was having issues with his fiance and decided to take it out on me. But what could I do? I'm just a 14-year-old punching bag.

I approached the cannon crew. Most of the men peered out of the ledge, looking at the huge size of the advancing British army. A man named Nate turned around and noticed me. "Sir, we have another man to help us out," he told Robert.

Robert saw me and laughed. "Man? It's just that stupid Pines kid." I sighed. I was not enjoying this at all.

"Major Stanford-"

"Major Stanford is a half-blind fool!" Robert interrupted me. "He's caught up in his own issues, and has no idea how to lead an army." I looked at the other soldiers. All of them looked uncomfortable about Robert's somewhat treasonous words. A few frowned. However, we were all interrupted by the first shots of the battle. Robert looked back over the edge, attempting to judge the British position. He smiled. "C'mon, boys! The British' days are numbered.

A few cheered, then set to work. A burley man named Thompson picked up a cannonball and passed it to Patriot named Lee, who pushed into the cannon's barrel. Nate threw a pack of gunpowder to me, which I managed to catch. I poured some of it into the barrel, then forced it down with a large rod. When it was all set, I signaled Robert, who rolled his eyes. He got behind the cannon and fixed its aim. He then lit the fuse.

A large _BOOM_ shook the earth as the first cannonball fired. We watched it sail across the sky before hurtling into a British platoon. We smiled as they scattered in confusion. Unfortunately, our victory was short-lived. Another platoon took the fallen men's place. So we repeated the process, careful not to make a mistep. The cannon fired over and over, but whenever a British unit went down, another replaced it. We could not stop their march. Unfortunately, their cannons came into range.

And fired at our position.

Robert saw the projectile first. His voice, now screechy in terror, yelled in alarm. "EVERYBODY DOWN!" The patriots panicked and dove behind whatever they could find for cover. As for me, I ducked behind a tree, praying this wouldn't be the end.

* * *

The cannonball struck our position, destroying the cannon and wounding a few men, whose screams were all too loud. The smoke from the destruction blinded me, so I dropped to the ground. The snow crumbled under my weight, and for a moment I felt safe and secure. Snow would protect me from this madness. But that's when I heard the cry.

"THEY'RE COMING OVER THE TOP!" I looked up and saw that several British troops scaled the ledge and were now sprinting toward us, bayonets at the ready. The wails of the rebels as they were ruthlessly cut down were nearly unbearable. A few of them attempted to fire back, but the British were overwhelming. I noticed Nate firing into the redcoat mass, but he too was struck down.

It was then when I realized I had no weapon. I crawled around, ignoring the carnage as best as I could. I found a rifle on top of Thompson's dead body, and picked it up gingerly. There was blood on the weapon, but I held onto to it anyway. I stood up, and peered into the smoke and death, looking for red jackets. I saw one, and fired.

I have no idea if I actually hit somebody, but at the moment it seemed as if 20 musketballs were sent my way. Thankfully, they all missed me, insteading hitting trees and bushes and other rebels. I struggled to reload my weapon, then realized it wouldn't be worth it. I threw the rifle and sprinted back down the path, away from the deadly warzone.

It appears the other rebels had the same idea, as Robert and the remaining patriots all followed. The British fired at us, and I saw a few of my comrades collapse. I continued sprinting as the musketballs whizzed past my head. I rounded a corner, nearly slipping in the snow. I grabbed a tree branch to steady myself, and then flung myself forward. The rebels and I must have looked pretty scared out of my wits, because we heard the British yell at us.

"YOU YANKEE DOODLES ARE ALL COWARDS!" they taunted. "RUN, WEAKLINGS!"

I may be a weakling, but at least I'm a living weakling.

* * *

Our retreating forms made our way back to Stanford's position. The Major was leading some soldiers who were defending the barn from the British onslaught. He notciced us and glared. "What are you doing here?!" The other men ran in another directions, leaving me with Stanford all alone. "Well, kid? What happened?!"

"The B-British!" I said in between gasps for air. "They overran our p-position, sir!" The memories of lifeless bodies entered my mind.

"Blast it!" Stanford swore. He gazed across the battlefield. Most of the Patriots were retreating from the British, who still remained in their neatly formed rows. They had nearly reached the barn. Stanford looked through his bag and pulled out of a flute. He forced it into my hands. "Pines, get up to the front lines and play the tune for 'retreat'." I gripped the flute tightly, and sprinted away. I forced myself through the mass body of retreating figures, who were clearly scared out of their minds.

The chaos of the battle made the notes jumble around in my mind. "Remember, Dipper, remem-" It was then when I saw Soos.

Through the retreating Patriots, I could see him stay in his position. With a pistol in one hand and a knife in the other, he fought off several British soldiers while his comrades retreated. I smiled and reached for my knife, hoping to help him. However, the sound of calvary interrupted my thoughts.

Colonel Gleeful was personally leading the calvary charge. He stood out among his other officers, who slouched forward, mentally preparing for the upcoming attack. Instead, Gleeful stood straight, casually striking at Patriots with a sword he held in his right hand. The Patriots ran away from him, though he continued to slice them down. I then noticed he was heading directly at Soos.

"SOOS!" I screamed. My brother turned and gave a faint smile. I swore, because then I realized I had distracted him. This allowed Gleeful to strike at Soos' back, sending him to the ground.

Time seemed to slow as my brother lay there. Gleeful just sat on his horse next to him, slowly pulling out a pistol. "MAJOR PINES!" he called. Nobody answered, and I held my breath in fear. "I believe I have something that belongs to you!" He pointed the pistol at the prone form of Soos.

I then noticed that Soos was simply unconcious, and was slowly awakening. He sat up slowly, until he came in contact with the front end of the pistol. He looked up with his eyes, realization slowly dawning on him. His jaw dropped.

"If you hadn't noticed, a rebellion of this sort is treason!" Gleeful continued. "And the punishment for treason is death!" He placed his finger on the trigger, and my knees went weak. "Because you haven't shown up and faced the consequences for your actions, I put your great nephew in your place!" It was then Soos saw me. He gave me another light smile. I fell to one knee, unable to cope with the situation.

"CONSIDER THIS...AN INVITATION TO OPEN WAR, MAJOR!" He yelled. He gave whoever was watching one final victorious smirk.

He then pulled the trigger.

If time had slowed, it had now stopped completely. The gunshot echoed across the battlefield, somehow standing out among the others. I managed to stand, and stumbled to Soos' body. Blood was all over the snow and his remains. Soos was a great brother and great friend. How could someone kill him? I glared daggers at the colonel. He must pay! "Gideon Gleeful, I swear, one day, I will find you and KILL YOU!"

Gleeful jumped off his horse and laughed spitefully. Surprisingly, the colonel was the same height as me. "Why not today?" he asked. He got into a fighting stance and pointed to the knife in my hand. "Kill me boy." That's when I snapped.

I screamed crazily and lunged at him with my knife, aiming at his chest. He sidestepped me, and my mometum carried me past him. I attempted to turn, but I slipped in the snow and fell. Gleeful laughed again. "Can you kill me?" I stood back up and jumped towards him, hoping the downward momentum would help my knife attack. However, Gleeful grabbed my wrist and threw me sideways. The sudden stop was so surprising it caused me to drop the knife.

I crashed into the snow, and landed on my stomach. I couldn't move; I was too exhausted and tired. Gleeful picked up the knife, twirling it in his hand. "I'll mark that day on my calendar, boy." He raised the knife, then striked.

And everything went black.

* * *

**A/N: I hoped you enjoyed this. This story arc is harder and longer to write, so a few more chapters will be posted before the sequel to this is posted.**


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